Did I mention that I went to this appointment under protest? I have done it twice before with my last two pregnancies, my husband remains the same, my family history hasn't changed, and we wouldn't terminate or agree to an amniocentesis. So why did I go? Because it was easier than making more waves I suppose? I am being forced to make so many hard decisions that I guess I am choosing my battles.
My appointment took about 20 minutes start to finish, and probably half of that was spent chatting with the geneticist. It turns out that our oldest 3 children are the same age, so we got to compare notes for a few minutes. As for the appointment itself, my husband and I are not related to each other, our parents and grandparents have lived decently long lives, and we have no family history of genetic defects. She also explained that there is no switch that is flipped when you turn 35 and reach that magical age of "advanced maternal age" but that it was a numbers game. 35 was the age that the number crunchers found the risk of defects begin to balance out the risk of miscarriage from an amnio. That is reassuring <tic>. She did share with me that it is office policy to request ultrasounds every 4 weeks for mothers over 40. When I mentioned that wouldn't be an option, she told me I could negotiate with my OB. Something else to look forward to. Onward to the "big" ultrasound tomorrow. Prayers and positive thoughts are appreciated that this doesn't turn into another point of *negotiation.
So why is this birth special?
If you don't know me personally, I am sure you are asking this question. There are many pregnancy journals out there on the web if you are just looking for general stories of pregnancy, birth and babies. As I already mentioned in the beginning, this is the story of a journey to VBAC, or vaginal birth after cesarean. Even more so, it is the story of VBAMC, or vaginal birth after MULTIPLE cesareans. Even in states that are relatively VBAC friendly, VBAMC falls into a category all it's own. Multiple c-sections are defined as more than two. Discussions about VBAC typically break them down into categories, VBAC, VBA2C (after two c-sections), or VBAMC. While not the norm anymore in this country, you can generally find a doctor or midwife to attend a VBAC within a reasonable distance from your home. Finding one to support you in a VBA2C becomes more difficult, and you may be more likely to find a willing midwife than a physician. Once you move into VBAMC territory, finding a willing obstetrician is like finding a needle in a haystack, and finding a midwife even becomes complicated. Since I am in that last, elusive, category, my choices appear to be a) travel out of state to one of the OB's that might be willing to support my birth choices, and of courses that includes the big "IF" they are indeed even willing to accept me as a patient, or b) hire a willing midwife, which will mean an underground midwife in my home state, or again traveling to a legal midwife in another state.
And people believe we are in charge of our own health care choices..........
And people believe we are in charge of our own health care choices..........
Another reminder
I began feeling movement on the outside yesterday. Crazy to think that exactly four weeks prior, I didn't know I was pregnant. The rapidly growing belly (and mounting medical procedures) are forcing me to wrap my head around it, but it still is moving at lightning speed.
First OB appointment report
This is belated. I was swamped with life and other commitments, but I also needed some time to process. I haven't told my story here yet, so you are clearly out of the loop to this point. For reasons that will be revealed in other posts, I had a lot of anxiety regarding this appointment. In my perfect world, I would have skipped it completely. I had given myself a pep talk, decided what I would agree to and what I wouldn't, convinced myself that I just had to get through it and then it would be behind me and I could move on with planning.
The appointment was with an OB I had never met before, but who had come recommended in the local natural birth community. To be fair, I did really like him. I didn't feel any judgement from him, and he seemed quite competent. It was my own body that, yet again, decided to not play by the rules. By dates, I would have been just short of 18 weeks. My fundus however, is measuring 24 weeks. The doctor was quite precise in his measurements, so this was not error on his part.
Now I do tend to measure ahead of dates, that is not abnormal for me. I don't know if 6 plus weeks ahead of dates is typical or not though. He of course wants a level 2 ultrasound, due to my age, which I expected and had already decided I would allow. Due to the discrepancy in size he wants the ultrasound within two weeks or he would also want to order a dating ultrasound. I do not want a second ultrasound without a solid medical reason. Luckily (?) the high risk doctor who performs the level two ultrasounds, also wants it done quickly, so he was able to schedule me this Friday. I then follow up with the OB on 11/29.
I was quite upset by this new turn of events when I left the office. I called a friend and cried about the unfairness of it all, and then met my husband for lunch. My husband is an unfailing optimist and gave his typical counsel that everything happens for a reason and as long as we are living our lives as we should, everything will work out the way it is supposed to. I was calmer when we left the restaurant for sure.
I have since talked to two different midwives who both think that my measurements are likely perfectly normal given my history. That is nice reassurance for sure. A couple more appointments and then we can move on to the next step of planning, with a little luck and grace.
The appointment was with an OB I had never met before, but who had come recommended in the local natural birth community. To be fair, I did really like him. I didn't feel any judgement from him, and he seemed quite competent. It was my own body that, yet again, decided to not play by the rules. By dates, I would have been just short of 18 weeks. My fundus however, is measuring 24 weeks. The doctor was quite precise in his measurements, so this was not error on his part.
Now I do tend to measure ahead of dates, that is not abnormal for me. I don't know if 6 plus weeks ahead of dates is typical or not though. He of course wants a level 2 ultrasound, due to my age, which I expected and had already decided I would allow. Due to the discrepancy in size he wants the ultrasound within two weeks or he would also want to order a dating ultrasound. I do not want a second ultrasound without a solid medical reason. Luckily (?) the high risk doctor who performs the level two ultrasounds, also wants it done quickly, so he was able to schedule me this Friday. I then follow up with the OB on 11/29.
I was quite upset by this new turn of events when I left the office. I called a friend and cried about the unfairness of it all, and then met my husband for lunch. My husband is an unfailing optimist and gave his typical counsel that everything happens for a reason and as long as we are living our lives as we should, everything will work out the way it is supposed to. I was calmer when we left the restaurant for sure.
I have since talked to two different midwives who both think that my measurements are likely perfectly normal given my history. That is nice reassurance for sure. A couple more appointments and then we can move on to the next step of planning, with a little luck and grace.
The saga continues
So I bet you thought the story ended there. So did we. By October 1, I was feeling pretty good. I had started going to the gym, had lost about 5 pounds, and the fatigue was much improved. We didn't have much time to dwell on our loss, we have other children and busy schedules that need our attention. To some degree, I was also relieved to be no longer, sick, tired, or bleeding.
Around October 18 I began to wonder about the lack of return of menses. It had been 6 weeks and I had seen nothing to even hint at it's return. Of course google is my friend and I did a quick search and was relieved to see that it sometimes takes 8 weeks after a miscarriage for cycles to resume. I was still in the range of normal. The relief was short lived though, I obviously wasn't convinced. The following day, after a La Leche League meeting, I stopped in the dollar store to buy another test. Of course I had to buy more than one because as most of you know, there is no way I was going to wait until the next day to use FMU (first morning urine). After enduring some questions and jokes by the cashier, I went home with my purchase and of course used the first one immediately.
Hmmmm........that looks familiar. The obvious assumption at this point is that we conceived again immediately, before my cycle could return. Based on possible conception dates, I guessed that I was between four and five weeks pregnant. Wow, that is an awfully dark line for a test taken in the afternoon at less than five weeks gestation. That had to be the answer though, right? My birthy friends were skeptical, while possible, I guess getting pregnant before your cycle returns is not typical.
That weekend I was a bit under the weather with seasonal allergies and sinus issues. I spent more time than usual laying in bed. This is when I started to wonder about my self diagnosis. Was that movement I was feeling?! That was also the weekend that my jeans began not to fit any longer.
The following week was scheduled to be a busy one with a couple of long car trips planned. We visited the zoo on Monday, Tuesday was spent taking care of volunteer responsibilities. On Wednesday, a local homebirth midwife graciously agreed to meet me at her office to make an educated guess as to what was going on with my body and put me out of the misery of wondering.
She met me at the door and the first words out of her mouth were "you look pregnant to me". This is significant because a week prior I had seen many friends at one point or another and no one appeared to think the same, or if they did no one is telling. She led me to the office where she had me lay down to take measurements. I could almost hear her chuckle as she said "Oh honey, your fundus is above your belly button", followed by, "So, do you want to hear the baby?" I am sure you can picture the grin on her face. Of course she had no trouble locating heart tones with a doppler. So there I was. From "not pregnant" to somewhere in my second trimester in one weeks time.
I have an appointment with an OB tomorrow, so until then, you now know as much as I do.
Around October 18 I began to wonder about the lack of return of menses. It had been 6 weeks and I had seen nothing to even hint at it's return. Of course google is my friend and I did a quick search and was relieved to see that it sometimes takes 8 weeks after a miscarriage for cycles to resume. I was still in the range of normal. The relief was short lived though, I obviously wasn't convinced. The following day, after a La Leche League meeting, I stopped in the dollar store to buy another test. Of course I had to buy more than one because as most of you know, there is no way I was going to wait until the next day to use FMU (first morning urine). After enduring some questions and jokes by the cashier, I went home with my purchase and of course used the first one immediately.
Hmmmm........that looks familiar. The obvious assumption at this point is that we conceived again immediately, before my cycle could return. Based on possible conception dates, I guessed that I was between four and five weeks pregnant. Wow, that is an awfully dark line for a test taken in the afternoon at less than five weeks gestation. That had to be the answer though, right? My birthy friends were skeptical, while possible, I guess getting pregnant before your cycle returns is not typical.
That weekend I was a bit under the weather with seasonal allergies and sinus issues. I spent more time than usual laying in bed. This is when I started to wonder about my self diagnosis. Was that movement I was feeling?! That was also the weekend that my jeans began not to fit any longer.
The following week was scheduled to be a busy one with a couple of long car trips planned. We visited the zoo on Monday, Tuesday was spent taking care of volunteer responsibilities. On Wednesday, a local homebirth midwife graciously agreed to meet me at her office to make an educated guess as to what was going on with my body and put me out of the misery of wondering.
She met me at the door and the first words out of her mouth were "you look pregnant to me". This is significant because a week prior I had seen many friends at one point or another and no one appeared to think the same, or if they did no one is telling. She led me to the office where she had me lay down to take measurements. I could almost hear her chuckle as she said "Oh honey, your fundus is above your belly button", followed by, "So, do you want to hear the baby?" I am sure you can picture the grin on her face. Of course she had no trouble locating heart tones with a doppler. So there I was. From "not pregnant" to somewhere in my second trimester in one weeks time.
I have an appointment with an OB tomorrow, so until then, you now know as much as I do.
Visions of a blog
I envisioned this blog back in the summer. That is when I first suspected I was pregnant. I shared my suspicions with two friends, both who are birth workers who would ultimately become part of my support team. One of them in particular, really wanted me to take a test to confirm, more for her own curiosity than anything. On the evening of August 14, I obliged them with a text message containing photographic evidence of what my body was already telling me.
Based on the date of my last menstrual period, this put me somewhere between five and six weeks into my pregnancy. Around this same time, I started feeling sick, very sick. Twenty four hour a day nausea and fatigue, which is not typical of my pregnancies. I really wasn't feeling very optimistic about a few months or more of physical misery.
I wasn't given the opportunity to dwell long on these feelings. One week later I was sitting in a theater with my children when I felt something. A cramp? A twinge? I am not sure how to describe it, but I felt it. It was followed by a gush and I knew immediately. A quick trip to the bathroom confirmed my fears, I was bleeding. Having experienced an early miscarriage at home a few years earlier, I knew that there was nothing that could be done to save a pregnancy in trouble at only six weeks gestation, and that unless some complication arose there was no need to rush for medical treatment. I returned to my seat, nothing more to be done. The bleeding only lasted for a day and there was break in my nausea and fatigue, which seemed like a good sign. Thursday of that same week, so now right about seven weeks gestation, I experienced another episode of bleeding, again lasting for a day. Sometime this week, I also took another pregnancy test, still very clearly positive.
The next week passed with no more episodes of bleeding, but on Wednesday or Thursday I realized that the nausea had lessened considerably. I was beginning to be able to function again. That should have been a sign that more was to come. On Friday, September 3, I began bleeding again, but this time significantly. I also experienced cramping. I took a pain reliever and went to bed, assuming again that I was miscarrying. I continued to bleed through the long weekend (it was labor day). We had friends visiting, so I was able to take it relatively easy at the beach and pool. When the bleeding stopped, the fatigue continued, but now I blamed it on recovering from a miscarriage. On several occasions I questioned friends in the birth profession, to each time be assured that as long as I didn't have pain, fever or continued bleeding, that I probably just needed time to heal. With some extra vitamins and iron, and a few weeks to heal and rest, I began feeling like myself again. We hadn't announced our pregnancy, so no one needed to be told, life just continued on. That also meant there was no need for a blog.
Based on the date of my last menstrual period, this put me somewhere between five and six weeks into my pregnancy. Around this same time, I started feeling sick, very sick. Twenty four hour a day nausea and fatigue, which is not typical of my pregnancies. I really wasn't feeling very optimistic about a few months or more of physical misery.
I wasn't given the opportunity to dwell long on these feelings. One week later I was sitting in a theater with my children when I felt something. A cramp? A twinge? I am not sure how to describe it, but I felt it. It was followed by a gush and I knew immediately. A quick trip to the bathroom confirmed my fears, I was bleeding. Having experienced an early miscarriage at home a few years earlier, I knew that there was nothing that could be done to save a pregnancy in trouble at only six weeks gestation, and that unless some complication arose there was no need to rush for medical treatment. I returned to my seat, nothing more to be done. The bleeding only lasted for a day and there was break in my nausea and fatigue, which seemed like a good sign. Thursday of that same week, so now right about seven weeks gestation, I experienced another episode of bleeding, again lasting for a day. Sometime this week, I also took another pregnancy test, still very clearly positive.
The next week passed with no more episodes of bleeding, but on Wednesday or Thursday I realized that the nausea had lessened considerably. I was beginning to be able to function again. That should have been a sign that more was to come. On Friday, September 3, I began bleeding again, but this time significantly. I also experienced cramping. I took a pain reliever and went to bed, assuming again that I was miscarrying. I continued to bleed through the long weekend (it was labor day). We had friends visiting, so I was able to take it relatively easy at the beach and pool. When the bleeding stopped, the fatigue continued, but now I blamed it on recovering from a miscarriage. On several occasions I questioned friends in the birth profession, to each time be assured that as long as I didn't have pain, fever or continued bleeding, that I probably just needed time to heal. With some extra vitamins and iron, and a few weeks to heal and rest, I began feeling like myself again. We hadn't announced our pregnancy, so no one needed to be told, life just continued on. That also meant there was no need for a blog.
Welcome!
So you stumbled across this blog, or maybe you were linked to it. Either way, welcome. Grab a comfy spot and get ready for a possibly bumpy, hopefully inspiring, potentially riveting journey.
You are expecting to read about birth. You will. It will be the story of one birth, my birth, but it will be the story of other births as well. My other births, other births I hear of through my journey, I am sure you will even see glimpses of your own births. Every birth is unique, but in many ways they are the same too. Simply, every birth is a journey.
A word of caution though. This will be more than a simple birth journal. It will be a place to discuss the current climate of birth in America. More specifically, it will talk a lot about VBAC, or Vaginal Birth After Cesarean and all of the issues surrounding it. The potential benefits, risks, the legal limitations (oh yes, there will be some ranting involved here!), and the rights of women to make decisions for their bodies and their births.
While I want this to be a place for support for myself and other women facing VBAC, I also hope it is a place of healing for women who didn't get the birth they dreamed of, and a place of education for women who have not yet given their birthing power away. If you are a woman with a uterus, I hope you take away something from your visit.
You are expecting to read about birth. You will. It will be the story of one birth, my birth, but it will be the story of other births as well. My other births, other births I hear of through my journey, I am sure you will even see glimpses of your own births. Every birth is unique, but in many ways they are the same too. Simply, every birth is a journey.
A word of caution though. This will be more than a simple birth journal. It will be a place to discuss the current climate of birth in America. More specifically, it will talk a lot about VBAC, or Vaginal Birth After Cesarean and all of the issues surrounding it. The potential benefits, risks, the legal limitations (oh yes, there will be some ranting involved here!), and the rights of women to make decisions for their bodies and their births.
While I want this to be a place for support for myself and other women facing VBAC, I also hope it is a place of healing for women who didn't get the birth they dreamed of, and a place of education for women who have not yet given their birthing power away. If you are a woman with a uterus, I hope you take away something from your visit.
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